When we first found out in July that there was something wrong, my plan was to keep a log of what was going on in this blog. But I never could seem to get myself to write. And yet I have so much to say. So now I pray that I will be able to get some thoughts down over the next few weeks that I so want to share with others.
The tears that I have cried over the past few days could fill an ocean. I could not at the present moment begin to explain how my heart is breaking. How while I only held her for a few hours, I can still feel her in my arms and they ache to hold her again. I find myself placing my hand on my stomach to feel her foot pushing on my side. And the teddy bear she got at the hospital I can't seem to put down.
Yet I know that she is happier than anything I could ever imagine. During our short labor at the hospital (which I will share in the next day or two) after the epidural while I was waiting to progress more, there was a period of time where I couldn't help but smile. It felt really weird and at first couldn't figure it out. But then I realized: I was excited. And not just an excitement one gets winning a race or something. I was ecstatic. It was an intense excitement, driven from a joy deep within my heart. My little girl gets to go to heaven today. My precious daughter gets to go meet Jesus face to face. I was so excited for her and couldn't help but smile. Then a few hours later there I was, with this beautiful child of God in my arms as her heart beat for the last time and she opened her eyes to a marvelous light I can only begin to imagine. And even though my heart is ripping apart at the moment, and I would do anything to have her back in my arms, there must always be space inside for that joy. The joy a mother has when she knows her child is safe and loved and happy beyond her wildest imagination. As a mother, what else could I ask for for my child?
So I pray for my little girl. I pray for our family, my most wonderful husband and precious daughter, Hannah. I pray for our extended family and friends as they grieve with us. And most of all I pray in thanksgiving for all the good that has come from this ordeal. There are miracles all around us from precious Sydne, and I am so proud to be her mommy.
4 comments:
That is beautiful:). Thanks for sharing.
Wow. Amazing writing, Liz. You always seem to put things so eloquently with your writing.
Thinking of you and sending love and prayers,
Rachel
Liz & family, our prayers are with you as always. You are such a blessing to so many of us with the beautiful example of the ways you say 'yes, Lord. Let it be done to me according to your will.' even through your sorrow. Thank you for taking us with you on your journey to Christ. Through the cross to the crown, our hearts ache with yours.
We can find no words that will ease the pain you feel from the loss of your child.
All we can say is that Mother Mary is holding Sidne really close to her. The very same way she held her Son, Jesus Christ, when he died on the cross.
May God keep you and your family strong during this difficult time.
We are keeping you and your family in our prayers.
Post a Comment