And yet another journey...

Every now and then there comes a time in my life when I feel divided into a million different parts, each one feeling and experiencing something different. And it is here that I now find myself again. About two weeks ago my husband and I were told that the wonderful baby inside me (now 24 weeks along) will most likely not make it to term. She (at least we think its a girl) has fluid around her brain, heart, liver, and belly, along with other complications.

We knew something was wrong as I laid on the table during the ultrasound. The tech was quiet. It was taking much longer than with our first child. And then the words came which no parent wants to hear. I'm finding some things wrong here. I'm going to go get the doctor. And with that, time stopped.

Since that moment I think I have gone through every emotion in the book: anger, sadness, guilt, ect. There is no textbook to tell you what to do in a situation like this. No instruction manual handed out by the doctor. The instructions we were given? There is nothing we can do right now except wait for a miracle. So that's exactly what we are doing. We have laid ourselves at the foot of the cross and are letting God carry us through this journey.

There is so much to say, so many thoughts that have run through my head the past few weeks. And my plan is to get them all down on this blog. But for today I want to start with this thought. This child that I carry, I will love her with all my heart forever. But I know that she does not belong to me anymore than anything else on this earth does. Ultimately she is God's. And if He wants her, then it is my privilege and honor to carry her and take care of her as long as need be. I pray that I can do this with grace and love. That this sacrifice as a mother can somehow build up God's kingdom here on earth. Of course I pray for a miracle. I pray that at the least I can just hold my baby, just one time before she goes with God. Yet I pray for God's will. That is the hardest to surrender. To let go of what I want and put it all in God's hands. Knowing with all my heart that God will grant miracles through this child, even if they are not the ones I ask for. And some I may never know. But if I can play just a small part in that by protecting this precious baby while I have the chance then I consider myself already blessed beyond belief.