In God's Hands

The Measure of a Man

2009-03-30T15:07:00.002-05:00

My husband called me from work the morning of March 10th to tell me that his grandpa, who was in the hospital, was dying. He was leaving work right away to pick us up so we could make the 2 hour drive to where his grandparents live. If ever in my life I wished I could move the earth, it was that day. We were over half way there when Dom's cell phone rang. He whispered to me, he's dead, and my heart sank. I saw in Dom's eyes the pain of someone who had just lost their hero. Thankfully, we made it to the hospital in time to say goodbye before they moved grandpa from the room. And thus began a grief filled week which ended with a funeral, far too close in time to Sydne's. But there is one thing that stands out above the rest. Dom and I were in the car heading back to his grandparents house from the store, and we were talking about his grandpa of course. It was in this conversation that he stopped, paused, and then said the words I will always remember. "He was the greatest man I knew" Now to make this statement even more powerful, Dom knows some pretty remarkable men, a few of which probably have a direct line to Jesus, if you know what I'm getting at. So that was a powerful statement.
Now you may think that this post will be about Grandpa. But the more I thought about how to convey his greatness, the more I realized in order to do that, I needed to talk about my husband. Cause after all, as he says, he learned everything he knows about being a man from his grandpa.
I may not have mentioned this before, and if I haven't, I am remiss in my thinking, but I have the most wonderful husband any woman could ever find. He is a true warrior, a protector of women, a chivalrous prince, who has spent everyday since we met fighting for me. And what's more, he understands the concept of marriage. He comprehends (and sometimes reminds me) that marriage is not easy, but rather a beautiful challenge that two people partake upon together. That it is a living breathing entity that must daily be nurtured and cared for. He gets that marriage is constant work, hard work, the most important job anyone will ever have. And because of that understanding and commitment, we love each other more today than when we said I do.
I used the word chivalrous. Some women would say old-fashion. But I love it. (Maybe in another post I'll explain why) He opens doors for me. he carries things for me. He helps out around the house (sometimes doing more than I do!). He cooks. He's paid for every meal since the day we met. He knows how to treat a woman with respect and dignity. He never ceases to tell me I'm beautiful, always making me feel like a princess. And he respects all women, not just me. He fights for all women, which makes me love him even more. He would do whatever it took to take care of his family. And he wouldn't complain. He leaves work at work. When he's home, as long as I'm awake, I have his attention when I want it. His job is always secondary to us. He finds new ways to demonstrate his love for me, whether in a card, flowers, etc. He gave up college for me (a long story for a later time). He fought for me when I wouldn't fight for myself. He pushes me, challenges me to be a better person. And I am eternally grateful. He is my real fairy tale prince.
And for that I would like to thank his grandpa. You can't teach someone something unless you yourself know and live it. And that is why everything I just said about my husband is a reflection of grandpa as well. I am forever grateful to you grandpa for being the great man you were and helping my husband become the great man he is today. I pray that Dom and I can have 53 wonderful years together as you and grandma had. In the true measure of a man, you surpassed my imagination. You gave me the greatest gift anyone could have given me. You taught my husband how to be like you.

Happy New Year

2009-01-05T08:35:00.003-06:00

Happy New Year...... a little late! I'm not that great with new year's resolutions. But, my friends and I are starting a bucket list. For those not familiar with that phrase, it comes from the saying "kick the bucket", referring to death. Basically a bucket list is just a list of things you want to try to do before you die. Obviously, I'm not planning on dying anytime soon, but my friends and I thought we might as well start now. That way we can help each other with our goals. So mine is in progress. I'll post it when its further along.
As for 2008.......wow, what a year. I certainly learned alot this year. More than any years past. And most of it my daughter Sydne taught me. Like how to ask for help and support. And what being a parent is all about. I learned how to rely completely on God and how to surrender to His will. I learned that there is no replacement for true friends. And that my hubby and I can get through anything, as long as we have each other.
My prayer for this new year is this: May we all strive to grow in relationship with God, and may we see God in all our relationships. Happy New Year!

Words

2008-12-17T17:16:00.002-06:00

I found this poem on a blog I came across and wanted to share it. Sometimes no matter how much you try, its hard to find words at times for what you really want to say. And so you borrow other's words until you can find your own again.

Please Be Gentle
By Jill B. Englar

Please be gentle with me for I am grieving.
The sea I swim in is a lonely one
and the shore seems miles away.
Waves of despair numb my soul
as I struggle through each day.
My heart is heavy with sorrow.
I want to shout and scream
and repeatedly ask 'why?'
At times, my grief overwhelms me
and I weep bitterly, so great is my loss.
Please don’t turn away
or tell me to move on with my life.
I must embrace my pain
before I can begin to heal.
Companion me through tears
and sit with me in loving silence.
Honor where I am in my journey,
not where you think I should be.
Listen patiently to my story,
I may need to tell it over and over again.
It’s how I begin to grasp the enormity of my loss.
Nurture me through the weeks and months ahead.
Forgive me when I seem distant and inconsolable.
A small flame still burns within my heart,
and shared memories may trigger
both laughter and tears.
I need your support and understanding.
There is no right or wrong way to grieve.
I must find my own path.
Please, will you walk beside me?

Also, a very blessed Advent to everyone. May this final week bring time to reflect, relax, and rest in the arms of our Savior. I know I'm going to make every attempt to get to confession sometime this week in preperation for Christmas. How are you preparing your inner self?

A quick hello

2008-12-15T21:48:00.002-06:00

Hello all there out there in blogging land. Just a quick stop to say hi. I got a new laptop (an early christmas present- thanks mom and dad!) so that I can access this blog more often to write. Now I just have to figure out how to work that into my day, and find time for everything else, especially my beloved nap. I am still really tired these days. Anyway, just wanted to let everyone know that I'm still putting one foot in front of the next, with a little wobbling along the way. There is so much to say and hopefully I can figure out a time schedule to blog that fits in with everything else. For now, I wanted to post a song that has meant alot to me over the past few months. A great reminder of what its all about. And also, please keep my daughter in your prayers. She has to have outpatient surgery on Wed to open her tear ducts. Its a simple procedure, but they have to put her out and I'm sure she'll be a little scared (along with her mama!)

Bring the Rain by Mercy Me

I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You
Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times

So I pray
Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain

I am Yours regardless of
The dark clouds that may loom above
Because You are much greater than my pain
You who made a way for me
By suffering Your destiny
So tell me what's a little rain

Holy, holy, holyIs the Lord God Almighty

Missing Pieces

2008-12-03T18:50:00.009-06:00

I'm not the same person I was this time last year. I'm not even the same person I was 6 weeks ago. So much has changed. And so much will never be the same. There are pieces missing now. Pieces of me that have been left behind somehow over the past year. Different pieces in different places, but they all have one thing in common. They each helped make up the person I was, and I'm not sure if I will get them all back.
There is a piece of me in the ultrasound room at my doctors office, still hanging on to her words: "There seems to be some problems". There is a piece of me back in the office of the neonatologist, still reeling about how I am suppose to decide what means of resuscitation I do or do not want performed for my daughter. And there is a piece somewhere on highway 270 where I found out that Sydne indeed did not have any kidneys. These pieces I'm sure I'll get back over time. Some I'm already starting to feel again. And as time moves forward into further resolution, they will find there way back. But there are a few pieces that I'm not sure about.
There is a piece of my heart in room 3 of the Labor and Delivery floor of the Hospital. It's funny. After Sydne was born, they told us we could go home whenever we wanted to. Basically, we didn't have to stay the whole 2 days the insurance paid for and people would usually stay for. And while the warmth of my bed at home was appealing, we stayed the entire time allotted by our insurance. Not because it was a medical necessity, but simply because I could not get myself to leave. I would have stayed in that room forever if they allowed me to, as if I knew I would leave something behind. I think about that room wondering how many other parents went through something similar between those four walls. How many different pieces of how many different hearts remain, shadows of the past. How many tears have stained the floor, and how many held hope as ours did, or were there some lost in complete emptiness. A piece of me remains there. A piece of who I am as a woman and a mother. A piece that perhaps has woven itself into the tapestry of the life of room 3.
There is a piece of me off Manchester road beneath a beautiful tree. There, amidst the stepping stones of life and death, among the purest of the pure life can offer, there I am. I think, had I been alone, I would have stood beside her casket all day and night. Again, wanting to hold on as long as possible to whatever I could. Instead, I placed the most beautiful pink roses I have ever seen on top of her grave site and kissed her one last time, from my mouth to my hand to her heart. And then, as I walked away, another piece of me stayed behind. A perfect piece of my heart buried itself that day, nestled next to the most miraculous creation. As if saying I've protected you up 'till now and will continue forever.
There is one last piece that is gone. But this one I did not leave. This one I gave freely. There, in that hospital room, as I held my beautiful Sydne, as her perfect heart slowly began to cease from beating. There, just before she would go to see her heavenly Daddy, I gave her the only thing I could think of: a piece of me. A piece of my heart that was created for and belongs only to her. A piece of her mommy that she can hold on to till we embrace again. And for me, the security that I will always be with her. That she will always know her mommy's love for her. That I will always be a part of her just as she is a part of me.
These last three pieces I may never get back. Truthfully, I do not want them back. They don't belong in me anymore. They belong there in room 3, perhaps if only to give some sort of strength to the next set of parents. They belong there in that precious grave, a piece of me lying with her, as only a mother could. And they belong with her, that piece that would be lonely had it stayed in my heart. That piece of me that needs to be with her. Those pieces of me that perhaps were hers all along. And while that means there may be holes inside, there may be an emptiness, a longing for everything I lost, an aching for my daughter, I do not fear that. For I know that God can take those holes and create something beautiful.

One foot in November

2008-11-24T19:00:00.002-06:00

Time stopped for me in the hospital room. And every moment that has passed since that day has seemed different, surreal in some way. As if I'm existing in a dream-like state. Not apart from reality. I know all to well the reality of the last five months. But perhaps that is it. Maybe it is too much reality. Like those crazy reality shows (that I refuse to watch) where it's almost as if they cross some line where reality becomes fantasy drama. Yeah. That's what's it's like. I'm living in this dramatic movie right now. Except I'm in the part that gets skipped over because of time restraints. You know what I'm talking about. The part of the story that's after the "climax" but before the "resolution".
Examples. Like in Beaches. After Hillary dies and Victoria moves in with Cici, the next scene is those two at a concert letting the audience know that everything turned out alright. Or in Steel Magnolias, after the funeral they skip to Easter and as they say, "life goes on". There isn't time in the movie to show how the characters come to terms with what happened, so they just skip right from the heartbreak to the healing. But reality isn't drama. In reality, you have to live every second of every day. And that's the problem.
Time stopped for me, but the rest of the world kept right on moving. I feel behind. Like I have no idea what is going on outside of my head. And I feel alone. Not in the sense that I have no one to talk to. My friends are as good as they come (you know who you are!) But alone in that no one is in my head with me. Alone in that life goes on, everyday people move forward on their journey, while mine seems to have slowed down to a crawl. I feel like I'm being left in the world's dust. I still relive that day with my daughter over and over in my head. I still have the nurses face plastered in my mind as she walked away with my daughter for the last time. I would give anything for it to be Oct. 30th again. And yet the world moves on and I with it, even if it is unwillingly.
There is no cure for this pain. Though tears bring daily relief. There is no instruction manual, no time-plan, no answers. Just the challenge to figure out how to continue on. How to somehow keep up with this world and everyone in it. And how at the same time to just be where I am at this very moment. Even if I have one foot in November and one in October.

The most beautiful sound in the world

2008-11-17T15:07:00.002-06:00

My daughter Sydne's memorial mass was this past Sat. I figured I would be an emotional wreck. I stuffed Kleenex into my pockets (thank God for dresses with pockets!). I mean, up until now I have cried at every Sunday liturgy I've been to for the past three months, so what made me think I wouldn't cry at this one?
I was wrong. I didn't shead a tear.
And at first I thought I had done something wrong, somehow betrayed my daughter. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized there was a perfectly logical explanation as to why there were no tears (besides the fact that I was emotionally, mentally, and physically exhausted). For that one hour during mass my heart was privileged enough to hear the most beautiful sound it ever could. And not just once, but multiple times, too many to remember. And that sound filled my heart with joy and I couldn't help but smile.
What sound am I talking about? Her name. Sydne.
With Hannah, my first daughter, I took it for granted. I was constantly saying her name, at first so she could learn it, and later as I was desperately trying to catch up with her as she ran circles around me. But the point is, whether it was from my mouth or someone else's, I hear the name Hannah probably more than any other word most days.
I took that for granted, until I had Sydne. My heart aches to hear that name. And the funny thing is I wasn't completely sold on that name at first. Months ago, when my hubby and I decided on Sydne, even though I said yes, I wasn't sure I really loved it. But I didn't tell anyone and just went with it. After we decided, I would say it in my head, trying to get used to it, hoping that it would grow on me. And it did, the moment I saw her face. And now, it's the most beautiful sound in the world. I only wish I could hear it more.
And so during the mass, whenever our priest would say her name, it melted my heart and I was so overwhelmed with joy there was no chance for a tear to escape. I had never heard my daughter's name said that much in that short of time, and perhaps never will again. It was one of the most treasured hours of my life.
So to end this post, I will speak to those who read this blog that I actually see on a semi-regular basis. Sure at times it might make me cry, but if you want to make my heart dance for joy, play me beautiful music. Let me hear my daughter's name. It's the greatest gift you could ever give me.

2008-11-06T10:37:00.004-06:00

I buried my daughter yesterday. There was beauty all around. The trees that lined the road on the drive there were bursting with colors. Brilliant oranges, majestic reds, and glowing yellows painted the scenery around us with brushstrokes from God. The sky was crystal clear and the light of the sun warmed my heart with the love of God. There was beauty all around.

As we drove to the cemetery, I realized something- there is so much more I need to be praying for. Yesterday it was our turn. But today will be someone else's turn. And tomorrow, and the next day. I made it through on the wings of prayers lifted up by those who care, some I have never met. I thought about the others, the tomorrows, the next days. Those people need just as many prayers to get them through. Just as much strength to find the peace in the middle of the agony. Another lesson my daughter has taught me: there are so many prayers waiting to be prayed.

Though we were the first ones to arrive, I was the last to get out of the car. How do you do that. I kept thinking a mother should never have to bury her child. Yet at times they do. And this was my time. To share in the sorrow of the blessed mother. To embrace her suffering in order to be surrounded by her strength and gentleness and compassion. And so in tears I walked what seemed like miles (but only about 50 feet) from my car to my daughters burial place. Her tiny casket lay there, the purest white, and I sat down.

What happened next I could not tell you. Father said some prayers and blessings. All I knew was the wind was blowing. Sweet wind across my face as if the Holy Spirit was whispering I am here. As if Jesus was saying here is the peace to get through this. And so while there were tears, God filled the emptiness inside with His grace.

Ok. So they should really give you an instruction manual on what to do, because after the service was over, my hubby and I had no idea what to do. Family was coming up to us for hugs and kind words. All I could do was mumble thank you and then turn to my husband in tears pleading "make them go away". A few minutes later and we were headed towards the car, our family lagging behind us. But where do you go after something like that? Truthfully, there was only one place my husband and I wanted to be: with Jesus.

So on our way to pick up our daughter from the babysitters(she is still too young to have to go through something like that) we stopped in the adoration chapel at our church. A few minutes after I sat down the thought came to me of how fitting it was that I ended up here on this day. Way back in July when we found out that there were problems, the first place I went to was this chapel. And here I was, four months later in the same chapel finishing what had been started earlier. But really, I have been in that chapel all along. Maybe not physically, but mentally and emotionally. Every step I have taken since July has been with Him, because of Him. Every breath, every tear, every smile, it has all been Him.

And so one more day of this journey has ended. yet I am faced with a thousand more. I know there are still tears to come (I already proved that this morning!) I know there are still impossible days to come. I also know that there is indestructible love that surrounds me. I know that my husband and I can get through anything, as long as we are together(did I mention I have the most amazing husband anyone could ever imagine?) I know that there are incredible people who lift me up. And I know that my daughter is praying for her mommy.

I buried my daughter yesterday. But I was not alone.

A vote for my daughters

2008-11-04T14:10:00.008-06:00

I voted today. I stood in line for an hour. I'm suppose to be resting on the couch. But today's election meant more to me than any other. When we first found out that something was wrong with our baby, we went to a specialist. After sitting with us to explain that the odds for a healthy delivery were slim to none, he asked us if we wanted to continue on with the pregnancy. I never thought anyone would ever ask me that question. But they did.

There was no hesitation in my mind, nor my husbands for that matter. The doctor had nearly finished his question when we both said yes, we wanted to continue. Which brings me to today. I didn't want to stand in line for an hour, especially with a bunch of strangers as I sat there holding back tears. But I did. I did it for both my daughters. For Hannah, who I pray can someday grow up in a culture that values human life more than "saving the whales" or "tax breaks". And I did it for Sydne, that she always knows how much her mommy values the time I had with her. Not just the precious hours in the hospital, but every remarkable hour I carried her in utero. And of course I did it for all those other beautiful babies like Sydne, who just want the chance to be held, if only for a second.

Tomorrow we are going to the cemetery to bury our little girl. I'm not sure I have experienced anything that is as painful as this process has been. I sometimes wondered why she made it so far only to die an hour after birth. I thought how much easier on us it would be if I had just miscarried, or even had a stillbirth. But who am I to question God's plan. And the time that I spent with her, every kick, every hiccup, every time she decided to have her own gym class in my tummy at 5am in the morning. Holding my baby right after birth and watching her baptism and entry into the church. And holding her as she is lifted up to God. Those are the moments I will treasure forever. It doesn't matter how much pain came with them.

And so today I was honored to cast my vote in honor of my daughters. A vote that says I love you enough to go through hell so that you can live, if only for an hour on earth, and an eternity in heaven.

One more saint in heaven

2008-11-02T08:05:00.003-06:00

There is one more saint in heaven praying for us all today. Sydne Isabelle was born Oct 30th at 10:16 am. She weighed 5 lbs and was 19in long. She had her daddy's nose and her mommy's feet and hands. And she was beautiful. We were blessed to be able to have her with us here on earth for about an hour before she went to be with her one true daddy. And then blessed to be able to keep her with us in our room all day so that our family could hold her as well before we finally said goodbye later that evening.

When we first found out in July that there was something wrong, my plan was to keep a log of what was going on in this blog. But I never could seem to get myself to write. And yet I have so much to say. So now I pray that I will be able to get some thoughts down over the next few weeks that I so want to share with others.

The tears that I have cried over the past few days could fill an ocean. I could not at the present moment begin to explain how my heart is breaking. How while I only held her for a few hours, I can still feel her in my arms and they ache to hold her again. I find myself placing my hand on my stomach to feel her foot pushing on my side. And the teddy bear she got at the hospital I can't seem to put down.

Yet I know that she is happier than anything I could ever imagine. During our short labor at the hospital (which I will share in the next day or two) after the epidural while I was waiting to progress more, there was a period of time where I couldn't help but smile. It felt really weird and at first couldn't figure it out. But then I realized: I was excited. And not just an excitement one gets winning a race or something. I was ecstatic. It was an intense excitement, driven from a joy deep within my heart. My little girl gets to go to heaven today. My precious daughter gets to go meet Jesus face to face. I was so excited for her and couldn't help but smile. Then a few hours later there I was, with this beautiful child of God in my arms as her heart beat for the last time and she opened her eyes to a marvelous light I can only begin to imagine. And even though my heart is ripping apart at the moment, and I would do anything to have her back in my arms, there must always be space inside for that joy. The joy a mother has when she knows her child is safe and loved and happy beyond her wildest imagination. As a mother, what else could I ask for for my child?

So I pray for my little girl. I pray for our family, my most wonderful husband and precious daughter, Hannah. I pray for our extended family and friends as they grieve with us. And most of all I pray in thanksgiving for all the good that has come from this ordeal. There are miracles all around us from precious Sydne, and I am so proud to be her mommy.

And yet another journey...

2008-07-18T17:18:00.003-05:00

Every now and then there comes a time in my life when I feel divided into a million different parts, each one feeling and experiencing something different. And it is here that I now find myself again. About two weeks ago my husband and I were told that the wonderful baby inside me (now 24 weeks along) will most likely not make it to term. She (at least we think its a girl) has fluid around her brain, heart, liver, and belly, along with other complications.

We knew something was wrong as I laid on the table during the ultrasound. The tech was quiet. It was taking much longer than with our first child. And then the words came which no parent wants to hear. I'm finding some things wrong here. I'm going to go get the doctor. And with that, time stopped.

Since that moment I think I have gone through every emotion in the book: anger, sadness, guilt, ect. There is no textbook to tell you what to do in a situation like this. No instruction manual handed out by the doctor. The instructions we were given? There is nothing we can do right now except wait for a miracle. So that's exactly what we are doing. We have laid ourselves at the foot of the cross and are letting God carry us through this journey.

There is so much to say, so many thoughts that have run through my head the past few weeks. And my plan is to get them all down on this blog. But for today I want to start with this thought. This child that I carry, I will love her with all my heart forever. But I know that she does not belong to me anymore than anything else on this earth does. Ultimately she is God's. And if He wants her, then it is my privilege and honor to carry her and take care of her as long as need be. I pray that I can do this with grace and love. That this sacrifice as a mother can somehow build up God's kingdom here on earth. Of course I pray for a miracle. I pray that at the least I can just hold my baby, just one time before she goes with God. Yet I pray for God's will. That is the hardest to surrender. To let go of what I want and put it all in God's hands. Knowing with all my heart that God will grant miracles through this child, even if they are not the ones I ask for. And some I may never know. But if I can play just a small part in that by protecting this precious baby while I have the chance then I consider myself already blessed beyond belief.

Happy Easter!

2008-03-24T15:01:00.003-05:00

Christ has risen indeed! Alleluia!
I wanted to get this post out yesterday, but I was crazy busy and mostly crazy nauseous, so....
Happy Easter to everyone! How wonderful it is that Jesus is alive...... today and always!
I was blessed to be able to attend the Vigil mass at my parish. I love that mass. It is so beautiful and God filled. And it is so incredible to witness those coming into the church for the first time. How awesome is it that these adults are choosing Christ! It doesn't matter where they have been in their life in the past. Watching them be baptized and confirmed filled me with such joy. God is so good!
Enjoy this blessed season in the church year. Praise God every second you get- singing, dancing, walking, talking, doing anything at all. Make it all for God. After all, He made it all for you!

Good Friday

2008-03-21T21:13:00.003-05:00

So this morning I set out to reflect on this blog today about the passion and Christ's agony on the cross. But here I am, at 9:15pm, only now finally getting a chance to sit down and write. I just got home from church and on the drive I changed my thought process for this post. Plus I'm exhausted and afraid that my brain isn't as sharp as it was earlier today.
So now I want to talk about love. Jesus said there is no greater love than to lay down one's life for one's friends. Jesus died so that we could live. He took our place. But here's the catch. He didn't just die for the people he knew in the future would accept and follow Him. He also died for the people He knew would turn away. Those who would forever deny Him. He died to give them a chance to live as well. I often think it would be hard to die for those I love, but I could do it. But what about those I don't even know, or those who I care not to associate with. Could I die for them? Aren't they after all my brothers and sisters in Christ? Even if they don't profess Christ as Lord, does He not care for them just as He cares for me? And is He not calling me to love them and be willing to die for His own no matter what I think of them?
Love.
Love held Jesus on the cross. And it is now my mission to share that love, to radiate that love, to empty myself to that love daily.
Jesus gave everything. Everything. He held nothing back. He laid it all down and with His last breath loved us to His death.
Can I give Him the same?

Holy Thursday

2008-03-20T12:47:00.003-05:00

I went to the adoration chapel this afternoon, since I figured I wouldn't be able to until Sunday! Anyway, I was reading the readings for mass tonight and thought of something that had never crossed my mind before. The first reading is the Passover in Israel, when the Israelites were instructed to mark their doors with the blood of the lamb so that God would know to passover their houses. If you don't know the story---go look it up!
I was thinking that the people who marked their doors must have been very devoted to God. And then I wondered, if that story were to take place today , how would God know to pass over my house? I mean if God came down to wipe out the unbelievers, would it be evident to Him that His followers lived at my house? What about yours? Sure, I have lots of religious pictures and crosses in my house. But what about my heart? Is my heart decorated enough to prove to all that I am God's servant? If God came down tonight and looked into the hearts of all those on earth, would their be enough evidence to convict me as a Christian?
Just something to think about this Holy Thursday.

Be careful what you pray for.....

2008-03-17T15:15:00.002-05:00

Cause you might just get it!
There is this song that we have been singing at mass lately at my church called Hosanna. The words to the bridge particularly struck me, and so I have used them in my prayers quite often recently. The bridge is this:

Heal my heart and make it clean.
Open up my eyes to the things unseen.
Show me how to love like you have loved me.
Break my heart for what breaks yours
Everything I am for your kingdom's cause
As I walk from earth into eternity.

The line I want to focus on for a second is: Break my heart for what breaks yours.
This is what I have been praying lately. I asked God to help me find the compassion in my heart for all those I meet, especially those suffering in some way or another. And what did God do? Exactly what I asked. So now my heart is breaking everyday. And I see random people and want to cry for them. I notice things I hadn't noticed before and relate with people I wouldn't have in the past. My heart is breaking. And while it is uncomfortable and rather burdensome at times, I pray that it continues. Thank you God for answered prayers. And my prayers will continue.
Lord, break my heart for what breaks yours. Let everything I am be for your glory. And may people not see me but You. Amen

Stop Fighting

2008-03-13T13:49:00.002-05:00

So, as my previous post said (spoiler alert in case you haven't read it yet!) we found out we are having baby number two this past week. I was so excited I could bearly contain myself. We had been trying for a few months now- and finally success!
Then on Sunday night I started feeling really down. Part of it could have been the fact that I was getting sick(I have a sinus infection thingy), part of it could be hormonal, and another part could be that the idea that a life-altering change had just occurred. It takes me awhile to adjust to change, even if it is exciting. But what it came down to was since Sunday I've kinda felt like I was the devil's playground. I just felt like I was being attacked by sadness, fears, doubts, and all that stuff that can plague your mind. I felt drained. I was physically exhausted from being sick and then from being up all night with my daughter who was sick. I was emotionally and mentally exhausted from trying to find out what was going on with me and fight back as best I could.
And fight back I did. I prayed for the strength to fight, I did some spiritual warfare praying, and just kept turning to Jesus every second I could. And yet even yesterday during the day I felt like I was drowning. I felt like if I started crying I would never stop. I didn't know what else to do.
But God did. He always does.
I went to the sacrament of reconciliation last night. And that was really helpful. Letting God surround me with His mercy and wash me clean. But what I heard God say afterwards is what stuck with me. As I was praying for just a few moments before I had to go to a meeting, I heard God say Stop Fighting. At first I didn't understand. Why did He want me to stop fighting? I had to keep fighting otherwise I would get swallowed up by whatever was attacking me. But the more I thought about it, the more I understood. God wanted me to stop fighting so that He could fight for me. Before, I wasn't trying to do it on my own. I was trying to do it with God, me backed up by His strength. But this time God wanted to do it on His own. It was like He was saying to me, you've fought enough.
For those who do not know my life story, or at least not all of it, I would say that statement is the truth. I fought for survival for a long time- too long. And these days when I have to pick up that fight again, sometimes it can seem unbearable. So to hear God say I'll do it, that was wonderful. I stopped. I turned it all over to Him, and let Him fight. And He did. Today is a hundred times better than yesterday. How awesome is God! He knew that while I would have kept fighting, I was exhausted and weary from the long road. And so He let me rest, and He carried me. I couldn't ask for anything more than that.

Drum Roll Please.........

2008-03-13T13:43:00.002-05:00

So, for all of you who do not know......... I'm pregnant! Yeah! We are very excited to announce number two is on the way. The baby is due in mid-November. Daddy and I are thrilled. And yes, this was planned! Anyway, we're just getting the news out. I'll be sure to keep this blog up to date with baby things as they come along. No major morning sickness yet (I was really sick with my first one). Just a little nausea, but nothing a tough girl like me can't handle :) That's all the baby news for now. Keep checking back for updates!

Sicko

2008-03-10T18:10:00.003-05:00

So, just checking in to say I'm sick. I started to get a cold yesterday (Sunday) and today my nose is more stuffed than a double stuffed oreo plus my throat is on fire, ect, ect. So if you could shout out some prayers to God for me that would be great cause the meds I'm allowed to take right now aren't working very well. Will try to write more tomorrow.

Nothing Back

2008-03-06T21:14:00.004-06:00

This song has been on my heart lately and I thought I would share the lyrics with you. I find that it is a very powerful prayer. I pray that I can surrender everything over to God. Give Him all of me, everything, forever and ever, every part of me. Let it all go. To Him be the glory now and forever. Amen

Nothing Back by According to John

All I’ve got
All I am
All my dreams
and All my plans
I’m holding back
I’m holding nothing back from you

I surrender it all
I lay it before you
For all of my days
I’ll give you the glory
You caused me to see
My heart is divided
Lord , take all of me
Cause I have decided Yeah

All I’ve got
All I am
All my dreams and
All my plans
I’m holding back
I’m holding nothing back from you

Whatever it takes
I trust you completely
I’m here in your hands
If you need to break me

All I’ve got
All I am
All my dreams and
All my plans
I’m holding back
I’m holding nothing back from you

Honking My Horn

2008-03-06T15:02:00.004-06:00

I am not in the habit of honking my horn while I am driving. Unless it is a necessity (as in someone is about to hit me and I need to get their attention!), I usually just let the rude drivers drive away. OK, maybe I mumble something under my breath, but don't use my horn. I usually don't honk my horn-----and then their was yesterday.
To properly frame this story I must tell you briefly about my day yesterday. Yesterday was one of those days that the only words out of my daughters mouth all day were "Up mama!" And then there was the excessive whining which began from the moment I took her out of her crib in the morning. She hardly took a nap. By the time 2:00 rolled around I had had enough and was ready to scream. Add to that complete exhaustion (I could hardly keep my eyes open), and I was so ready for my husband to wake up. He works nights and usually gets up between 3 and 4. I stared at the clock for two hours, which made me grow even more tired. Finally at 4:15 he stumbles out of our bedroom. Great I thought. I'm headed for a nap. But........ as I walked back to the bedroom already dreaming about my pillow I remember- I have to bring an egg casserole somewhere in the morning and we have no eggs. Alright, no nap. Off to the grocery store. I tried to put an optimistic spin on it. At least I get to free myself from the house for a few minutes. So tired and cranky I left for the grocery store, longing for some peace and quiet.
Waiting for me at the grocery store where more of what I had just left- whining kids. One mother inparticular rubbed me the wrong way, telling her little girl that "if you don't stop crying, I'm gonna give you reason to cry". I hate that line. Then she proceeded to pull her daughters pants down and spank her in the middle of the store. I hate spanking with a passion. I don't judge anyone who chooses to spank their children, I just don't make that choice. So having to witness it just put me over the edge.
OK, back to my story. So I check out and leave the grocery store, now in a worse mood than when I went in. All I want to do is go home and take a long hot bath.
So I approach the exit of the parking lot I take. It's not at a light, but it is usually fast. Of course there's a line. So I wait. And then this beat up car comes out of no where and proceeds to cut me off. Frustrated, I mumble out loud to myself a bit. "this punk kid- thinking he's the king of the world" Keep in mind I"m in a really pissy mood. Now I am right behind this car and he is next to turn. There are no cars coming. None. Zero. All the cars are stopped at the light 100 feet from this exit. He has plenty of time to go. So now I get even more frustrated. And then I do the unthinkable. I honk my horn. Just once. Of course what I really felt like doing is laying on the horn and shouting as well. But I restrained myself. Just one little honk. Still no movement.
Finally after what seems like an hour, he pulls out. I pull out after him. This car then starts swerving all over the road. I'm thinking, great! This guy is drunk. Remember- the past few minutes I've been taking all my anger out on him. I'm just getting ready to call the police about this car when he plows right into a utility poll.
After seeing this I pull into the parking lot next to the car and call the police. But let me tell you what I was thinking. My brain said something like this: Great. All I want to do is go home and take a bath and now I have to wait for the police and be a witness for this drunken fool (OK, maybe I used a different word). Man, this stinks.
OK. So this story might seem kinda pointless. But let me tell you what I finally learned. This punk 20-something man who thought he was the king cutting me off and driving drunk wasn't that at all. He was actually having a diabetic reaction.
Um, who's the punk now?
That's right. Another lesson to learn. I was so wrapped up in my bad day blues that I took my frustrations out on this person even though I knew nothing about him. By the way, he's gonna be alright. He had some scrapes and bruises, but he'll be fine. Thank you God.
So my lesson from yesterday is this. There will be days that pretty much stink. Where all you want to do is go back to bed. But that doesn't give you any right to be mad at the world or to take your frustrations out on innocent bystanders. Even though I didn't say anything directly to this gentleman, I still feel guilty and pray that God forgives me. And maybe next time I'm having a rough day and someone "cuts me off" in some way, just maybe instead of going on a rampage, I'll pray for that person. I think the world would be a better place if we all tried that. And who knows, maybe it will help turn my day around!

The Perfect Fort Day

2008-03-04T13:04:00.004-06:00

So yet again this winter my daughter and I found ourselves stuck inside due to the snow that continues to pile up outside. Since she is not a fan of playing in the snow, and since everything shut down today including where she would normally have gym class on Tuesdays, we decided to bring gym class to our house. First we climbed over the pillows from the couch and then suddenly I had a wonderful idea. I grabbed a chair, a tall lamp, pillows, and two sheets and proceeded to whip up the sorriest excuse for a fort I have ever seen. But she didn't care. To her, it was the most incredible thing she had ever seen. We went in and out about a hundred times. Then we laid inside, brought her dolls in to play, sang silly songs, and did alot of tickling. Alot. And it didn't matter that the sheets kept falling off and I was constantly putting it back together. She loved it. To her, it was perfect.
I think sometimes I judge things too quickly, thinking things won't work just because they are not exactly what I pictured or have had before. But really, if I try hard enough, I can make pretty much anything work. I may not have the most trendy shoes to go with my new dress, but won't the old ones I wore last season work just as well? Or what about my old cell phone that (oh my gosh!) doesn't take picture or do other crazy stuff I probablly couldn't figure out anyway. Isnt' it good enough? I mean it makes calls, right? Its reliable. Well, except when I leave it out in the rain!
I guess what I'm trying to say is that watching my daughter play in that sorry looking fort today reminded me to enjoy the things I have, even if they aren't the latest and greatest. Cause truthfully, I don't think this morning would have been the same without the sheets that kept falling off and the pillows that were so fun to tackle. So today I praise God for snow, for pillow/sheet forts, and for all the abundant gifts I am blessed with. I pray that I can begin to appreciate them more and more.

Aching for God

2008-03-03T12:36:00.004-06:00

First off, thank you to all the wonderful people out there who have left comments on my blog or e-mailed me about the new look. I appreciate your feedback. It appears that the majority like the new look, so I think I'll stick with it.
Yesterday was a great day, and not only because it was Sunday. I love Sundays because its God's day. It's the one day of the week that I get to gather with my whole faith community and just praise God- how awesome! But there was more to yesterday. At least where I live, the sun was shining, the Holy Spirit (aka the wind) was a blowin', and life just felt good. I was also blessed to be able to spend some times with not only my hubby and daughter but also some of my "sisters" from my parish. We sat outside in the sun and talked about God and how good He is to us. It was all beautiful. And then mass was wonderful as usual. I sometimes feel like I just want to start dancing and jumping around in praise cause I can hardly contain myself. God is so amazing!
Anyway, sometime in the middle of this beautiful day I started thinking about this quote from a movie I've seen. The movie is called Return to Me. Let me first give you a brief synopsis. There are two main characters: a man (I don't remember his name, but lets call him Joe) and a woman (her name is Grace). Joe's wife was in a car accident and died. A few years later he meets Grace and they fall in love. Something you should know about Grace is that she had a heart transplant a few years back. Well anyway, as a true Hollywood story would go, Grace discovers that she had received Joe's dead wife's heart. She freaks out and leaves thinking that Joe wouldn't want to be with her anymore. The line I remembered yesterday comes when Joe is talking to Grace's grandfather trying to get him to tell where Grace is. He says something to the extent that, "I love my wife. I will always love her. But I ache for Grace"
And that's what I thought about yesterday. I love my husband with a love that is indescribable. I could not even begin to explain the depth of my love for him. And the same goes for my daughter. I would do anything for them. Anything. Yet in thinking about this movie line, I realized this. I love my husband and daughter-unconditionally- but my heart aches for God. Like from the beginning of mass when I just can't wait to receive the Eucharist, or waiting in the communion line and I feel like laughing cause I'm filled with so much joy and love for my Savior. Or sometimes just praying by myself and I want so much to be able to run into my Heavenly Daddy's arms and give Him a huge bear hug. I ache to be with my God. To be in relationship with my God. To love Him more and more each day. And I love to feel His presence in my life, see Him in my everyday, and experience Him through my encounters with my hubby, my daughter, and all my wonderful friends. Sometimes I think that if I could I would sit in the adoration chapel 24/7 just praising God. It's like I can never lift up enough praise. And still I know that one day I will be able to. On that beautiful day when I meet God face to face. And all I ever have to do is praise Him. And I can't wait!

The Face of Giving

2008-03-01T21:17:00.001-06:00

I am constantly learning things from my husband. Sometimes its the meaning to some off colored joke that I so don't understand. Other times its a real life lesson. Yesterday was one of those times. Someone I know works with a woman who had to leave her house along with her kids because her husband was abusive. They are at the moment trying to find an apartment to live in. Of course, they don't have anything. And not just furniture but the little things too: toiletries, cooking pans, plates, silverware, ect. When I heard this my heart went out to them. No woman ever deserves to be treated like that. (For more of my thoughts on that topic, see my December 2007 post). But what happened when I told my husband was a reminder of how God calls us to respond. His first reaction was one of shock and horror. His heart ached as well. But a few seconds later he went into turbo mode. He started walking around the house, well maybe it was more like a run, looking for every little thing that we could give them to help them out. He first went to our garage where we are storing some furniture that we don't have room for at the moment. "They can have all of that" he said. He then went to the gift closet where we keep items which we can give as gifts as the need arises. Lets just say I now have to restock the closet. He then proceeded to pile together all the gifts we received at Christmas that we just hadn't opened yet: corning ware, Tupperware, a down comforter, ect. He looked like a kid in a candy store. He just couldn't get enough stuff. Of course I wanted to help out too. I was willing to give them whatever we could to help. Then came the gentle reminder for me. "We could give them the TV from the sun room" my hubby says. In our house we have a sun room that does not get used much. In it is a TV that we have probably watched 3 times in the past year. Yet my first thought when he said that was, "No. We need that"We need that? Its not like we don't have two more TVs in the house. And that's when I realized this was a learning opportunity for me. I needed to look at my husband and embrace his philosophy. God says not to get attached to the material things of this world. If you have something, it should never mean so much to you that you couldn't give it to someone else who needs it. And that's the thought that popped in my mind. Why not give it to this woman and her kids. Its just a TV. But right now, that could mean the world to them.So I looked in my husbands eyes and saw the meaning of giving. I saw the face of Christ. And I was reminded that nothing in this world even compares to what is to come. I was reminded that I would give everything I own if it meant someone could be happy, feel loved, feel important.
Thank you hubby.

Changes

2008-02-29T14:24:00.003-06:00

So, if this is not your first time to my blog, you may notice some changes. First off, I hope you like them. Guys, yes I know its alot of pink. But you see I spent years convincing myself that I hated pink becuase it was girly. So now that I allow myself to like it, I can overdue it and its ok. Also, I know it's been a while since I posted and some of you may have wondered if I just totally forgot. I started this blog to have somewhere to put down my thoughts. But then my fears took over and I started thinking that each post had to be better than the next, ect. In talking to my hubby, I have decided to transform the whole blog and start anew. Of course I will keep my old posts, but from now on I plan on trying to post more often. I will try to throw caution to the wind and just write, not worrying about the quality as much. Just write about everyday things. Cause after all, that's where I live, in the everyday. And that is a beautiful place to be.

My 17 month old daughter walked up to me today and gave me a kiss on the cheek. Just out of no where. And not an open mouth, slobbery kiss as she sometimes does (though I have to admit I do like those!), but a real kiss. And my heart melted. That is everyday living to me. Drowning in the happiness of kisses and laughter while at the same time forgetting about the housework. There is beauty in everyday living. And that is my plan for this blog now. To capture that beauty and see where it leads me. And if I have some companions along the way, that will be even better!

And in the end: Victory!

2008-01-07T20:57:00.000-06:00

If I were to tell you that the last month has been stressful, that would be the understatement of the century. Holidays aside, the past month for my family has been just one disaster after another. They range from our Christmas tree falling over(of course completely decorated and with presents underneath) to our neighbor threatening to sue us over a tree, to our car being totaled. And then lots of stuff in between. It seemed every day there was some huge new bill we were going to have to pay, a gigantic problem to solve, or random events I had never thought could happen.
So why do I share this with you all? Simple. Because through it all, even when it seemed like my hubby and I were cursed, as if the world had turned against us, I never let anything get me down. I didn't let it shake my faith. No, I'm not bragging. For those who do not know me very well, this would not have happened in the past. Previously, if I would have had a month like this, I would have found myself in the pit of despair. I would have worked myself into a worry tornado that would have plowed down any attempt to halt it. But not this time. Instead, I thought this one thing: It doesn't matter what happens right now, cause I already won. In the end, I come out victorious.
If you are a little lost, let me explain my train of thought.
I have fought many battles over my lifetime. I am still fighting battles today. Some are old, some are new, and some I haven't even come across yet. That is how life can seem sometimes. One battle after another. And one can wonder what its all about. Is it even worth the fight? My answer is yes-- because I already know the end result.
Think about war for a minute. Actual war. If you are a soldier in a war that seems to be going on forever, you could eventually start to wonder if the fighting, if each individual battle is even worth it. Cause until the war is over, you don't know if your side will win or not. But what if you did? What if you knew for sure that at the end of the war, you would be victorious? Even if the war seemed to go on forever and there was always just one more battle, wouldn't the knowledge that you win in the end give you encouragement to keep fighting? I know for me it would. Correction. I know for me it does.
See, I know that I win in the end. I know that I come out victorious. How? Because my God has already won the victory. He has already fought the war and won. These battles that I face, sometimes daily, each one of them is simply getting me closer and closer to the victory that I have in Him. Think about it for a second. Jesus came down and took the form of a human with full knowledge of everything that would happen, right? God is all-knowing and thus knew His fate. Yet He came anyway. That cross of wood on which hung our Savior, that very cross which bore the fate of Jesus, that cross was our entry pass into the victory party. That horrific, terrible act ultimately led to God's resurrection. His defeat of death. God's victorious stand. And with that, victory is mine.
Do you get it? It doesn't matter how many battles I have to face here on earth. Cause I know that I am fighting a fight I win in the end. As long as I keep fighting, keep my eyes fixed on Jesus, in the end I will be with Him, celebrating with Him in His victory. And when I do this, the darkness does not seem as dark, the pain does not seem to run so deep, and my crosses do not seem as heavy.
I know at times life is hard. By no means am I claiming that I do not struggle in the fight. There are many times when I find myself unable to pick up my sword, exhausted from wounds, hurting from the weight of burdens that I must carry, fatigued from what seem like never ending battles. Yet it is at these times I remind myself that I do not fight these battles alone. These burdens do not rest only on my shoulders. I am in God's hands. It is God who swings the mighty sword when my strength is lost. God who picks up my crosses and carries them when I can not find the energy myself. And God who stands strong beside me, protecting me with the best armor anyone could ever have: His love. This is the knowledge that keeps my feet moving forward. This is the faith that keeps my head held high. The knowledge that in Him I am safe, I am strong, and I am loved.
And so I say bring on the craziness of the world. Though it might be nice to have a little break right now! But if that is not to be, I will be ready, sword in hand, fighting with the best knowledge one can have. In the end, I win.
I want to leave you all with the lyrics to one of my new favorite songs. It is In Better Hands Now by Natalie Grant. Personally, I think it sums up my journey which has brought me here, to the knowledge that I am in Gods hands and because of that, I will be ok.

It’s hard to stand on shifting sand
It’s hard to shine in the shadows of the night
You can’t be free if you don’t reach for help
You can't love if you don't love yourself
There is hope when my faith runs out
Cause I’m in better hands now

It’s like the sun is shining when the rain is pouring down
It’s like my soul is flying though my feet are on the ground
So take this heart of mine there’s no doubt
I’m in better hands now

I am strong all because of you
I stand in awe of every mountain that you move
Oh I am changed, yesterday is gone
I am safe from this moment on
There’s no fear when the night comes ’round
I’m in better hands now

It’s like the sun is shining when the rain is pouring down
It’s like my soul is flying though my feet are on the ground
Its like the world is silent though I know it isn't true
Its like the breath of Jesus is right here in this room
So take this heart of mine there’s no doubt
I’m in better hands now

Sure, I have fears. I have struggles. And I have pain. But I also know that I have outstretched hands waiting to hold all of that, all of me. And when I let God hold me, I finally find the safety I have searched for for so long. I pray that each of you can let God hold you as well. I pray you all find yourselves in His hands - and victorious.

My broken heart

2007-12-17T20:07:00.000-06:00

This post is about Christmas parties. Though not just any Christmas parties. I speak of none other than the dreaded office Christmas party. For those of you who have attended one of these, especially if it was for someone else's work, you know of what I speak. Personally, if I never had to experience this, I would have still been able to die a happy woman. Yet I too have fallen victim to the dreaded office party. And it was there I had an experience I would like to share with you.
My husband and I arrived at the party a few minutes after it had started so that we could leave as early as possible. After walking around the casino trying to find this place (we're really not partiers!) we finally found the door and walked to the roped off section where our party would be. I was greeted by my hubby's "boss" who immediately asked what we wanted to drink.

Ok. Side note- I don't drink. Never have. Just not interested in that.

Anyway, he motioned to someone I did not see but figured he was getting our waitress. He was. I heard a voice ask "What can I get you?" I looked up. And my heart broke. Standing right in front of me was a girl, no more than 20, with a skirt that looked more like a belt I own and a top that looked more like one of my bras. I realize that there could be many reactions that someone could have if they were standing where I was. And I was witness to many of them as the night went on. Some men stared. Some men talked. Some women stared and then made some condescending remarks. Maybe some people thought her outfit was inappropriate, wrong, or just strange. Those are just some of the first reactions that one could have.
Me, the first thought in my head was: my heart just broke in two. And I felt like I wanted to cry. My husband thought the same thing.
I responded to her question by looking her in the eyes and saying "a diet coke please". And then she left. And I couldn't take my eyes off her. Not her body. I couldn't take my eyes off her eyes. I wanted to see her. I wanted to see what was inside. What I really wanted to do was go and tell her how beautiful she is and that she is so much more than this. But I told my husband I would restrain myself from such comments since we were around his buisness people.
So I thought I would write on my blog what I would have liked to say to the waitress. Not because I think she will read this. But because I think we all need to be reminded of our beauty every once in a while.

There is a quote from the lion king that I love. Simba has grown but is still not ready to go back to pride rock. But at one point he sees his dad in the clouds. His dad's words are these: Simba, you are more than what you have become. It is time to take your place in the kingdom. That's what I would like to say. You are more than all of this. You were created good- you were created beautiful. You are meant to be honored, protected, fought for, and respected. And anyone who does not treat you that way doesn't deserve a second of your time.
I would say it is time to take your place in the kingdom of God. Did you know you are a princess (or prince for all you guys)? That you are a royal princess(prince) in your Father's kingdom and He wants to protect you. He desires nothing more that to love you forever. Sometimes life sucks. And things happen in this world that can never be explained. And if you have been hurt, I am sorry. But you are not what has happened to you. You are worth so much more than what this world tells you you are. You are worth everything.

And with these words I pray for that waitress and for all those who can not see their own worth. And know that I wrote this blog for you. Yes you- you reading this right now. Everything I said is for you. Never forget it. And if you take these words and let them grow in your heart, I ask that you pass them on to someone else who needs them. And maybe eventually my heart will not need to break anymore because everyone will know who what they are worth and live that knowledge out every day.

No, I didn't fall off the face of the earth (aka Happiness)

2007-11-20T14:00:00.000-06:00

Ok. So I know, it's been awhile since my last post. To say the least, I've been extremely busy the past month. I feel like I've been running around with my head cut off! But... I'm back.

I wanted to touch on something I've been thinking about recently. The topic is based on the cliche saying: Happiness is a choice.
I'm beginning to realize that is the truth. I use to think happiness was something I had to look for, search endless years in tiny crevices until maybe I would be lucky enough to find it. I would often get discouraged when trials would come my way, when it seemed as if there were more battles to fight than there were times of peace. I figured happiness was just a scale and you had to settle for whatever amount you were given.
But lately my thinking has changed. Maybe, just maybe, happiness is not something hidden away that will take years to discover. What if happiness really is just a choice. Think about it for a second. If you wake up in the morning and the first thoughts in your head are frustration about the day ahead, the list of things to get done, then most likely you will carry that frustration through the day. If you wake up and get angry or discouraged about something right off the bat, the same thing will happen. So then it must be true for happiness as well. If you wake up and make a choice to start out the day smiling, then perhaps it will be easier to carry the smile with you throughout the day.
And then there is the God factor. If you wake up and the first thing you do is turn to God in prayer, your day will be grounded in God. I find it so much easier to get through the day when I turn my day over to God. I give Him everything that happens, every thought in my mind, the words I speak and the things I will do. When I let God into my day from the very beginning, its not so hard to make that choice for happiness. It's much easier to let the frustration and discouragement that I might face roll off my shoulders.
Something else came to me recently. I kept thinking about the battles that I fight and how sometimes it seems as if they are endless and I will never win. But then the thought came to me that my God has already won. I am already victorious in Him. The victory is obtained, the prize is won. In the end, I will be victorious. And its a lot easier to keep fighting with that knowledge. Its easier to keep pushing forward, fighting the good fight, falling down and getting back up again because I know I win in the end. That takes a lot of pressure off my shoulders. All I have to do is keep fighting, keep moving forward. My God has taken care of the rest.
My husband and I have been talking about heaven lately. One thing that came up in our conversation was that one of the reasons we have struggles and pain here on earth is because there is something more. If life were perfect here on earth, why would we want to go to heaven? I think that the struggles and obstacles to happiness here on earth can increase our longing to one day be with our God in heaven.
And so today I choose to be happy. And no, I'm not happy all the time. And life does get hard. But if I ground myself in God, plant my day in prayer from the very beginning, its a whole lot easier. So I challenge you all to choose happiness. Fake it at first, if you have to. But eventually if you fake it long enough, one day it won't be so fake anymore. And pray. Plant your day in God's love. He will never let you down.

Bones

2007-10-11T14:07:00.000-05:00

What? Bones? What kind of a title is that? Wait for it......................................

Only the bestest show EVER!

Ok. So for those of you who have no idea what I am talking about, let me fill you in. Bones is the name of the TV show that I am a little obsessed with. Oh, and when I say a little, I mean like completely and utterly over the top and around the moon obsessed. But, moving on. It airs on Tuesdays at 7:00 central time on Fox (channel 2 for you St. Louis people). The show revolves around the main character, Dr. Temperance Brennen, or Bones as her partner likes to call her. She is a forensic anthropologist who works at the Jeffersonian Museum. She teams up with her partner, FBI agent Seeley Booth to solve murders. Booth is your typical "guys guy", and Bones is very much a textbook anthropologist. She doesn't really understand culture or anything else unless it has something to do with science and facts. Psychology is not in her dictionary of understood terms. The relationship between Booth and Bones makes for some great dialogue and fantastic drama. If you haven't seen this show yet, I would defiantly recommend giving it a try.
But how does this fit in with my usual blog topics? I'm glad you asked.
One of the awesome things about the show Bones is that the character of Agent Booth, who as a reminder is your macho guy FBI type, is Catholic in the show. And I know this because he not only talks about how he is Catholic, but he sticks up for his religion and faith in the conversations that he has in the show, especially with Bones, who doesn't really understand the whole faith thing. I think this is just awesome. To have a character in a TV show in today's world who speaks out for faith and religion is awesome. Plus the fact that he is one of the main characters and if I am right, is known in the TV world as an attractive actor. (Booth's character is played by the same guy that played the title role in the show Angel)
Now there are still things that go on in the show that are not totally in line with the Church, ie sex outside marriage, but I think its awesome to see faith portrayed as it is in this show. Booth talks in the show about how he goes to mass every Sunday, how he prays with his son, and how his Catholic faith is really important in his life.
I like this show because it never gets too graphic-- especially when it comes to sexual relationships--as so many shows today can. The show really focuses on the relationships between Booth, Bones, and the rest of the team from the Jeffersonian.
In this past weeks episode, they were working on trying to solve the murder of a guy who was into some not so good sexual role play. (I'll just leave it at that) The most awesome thing happened at the end of the show. It ended with Booth and Bones sitting in a diner talking about the case and about what sex is. The following is there conversation. (Remember that Bones's character is very scientific and does not understand what exists outside of science)

Booth: (In talking about the sexual role play from the case): But that's crappy sex.

Bones: Why crappy?

Booth: Why? I'll tell you why. Here we are, all of us, basically alone, separate creatures just circling each other, all searching for that slightest hint of a real connection. Some look in the wrong places, some they just give up hope cause their thinking in their mind, "there's nobody out there for me". But all of us, we keep trying over and over again. Why? Because every once in a while two people meet and there's a spark. Sure, he's handsome and she's beautiful and maybe that's all they see at first. But making love, making love, that's when two people become one.

Bones: It is scientifically impossible for 2 objects to occupy the same space

Booth: Yeah, but what's important is we try. And when we do it right, we get close.

Bones: To what? Breaking the laws of physics?

Booth: Yeah Bones. A miracle. Those people, the role playing, its crappy sex, at least compared to the real thing.

Wow! How awesome is it that that conversation took place during prime time television! Yeah, there were things left out, but its a good start. And Booth is right. Sex is a miracle. It is the most real example of God's love that we have on earth. Somebody once told me the best foreplay line to use with your husband is : Do you want to participate in the Trinity tonight sweety? It's silly, but how true. The marital embrace of the sexual union is one thing on earth that points directly to what awaits us in Heaven. How could you throw that around and abuse that precious gift? If sex really is a symbol of what is to come, why would you want to participate in that act with anyone other than your husband or wife, with anyone other than the person who loves you more than anyone else in this whole world? And before I go on forever, I will conclude there and save the rest of my thoughts for a future post.

So- guess you didn't expect a blog that started out about my favorite TV show to turn into a rambling about sex and the Trinity. That's why the web address for my blog is beautifully- crazy. Anything is possible when I start to think and ramble on!

And don't forget to check out Bones--- Tuesdays at 7 on Fox. And you are always welcome to come join us at our house to watch it if you would like!

No luck here!

2007-09-27T15:19:00.000-05:00

Until recently, my family was the proud owner of two wonderful cats. We loved them and they loved........our couches (oh, and us too!). Anyway, due to my daughter's allergies, we had to put them up for adoption. For over a month I searched for someone who might be willing to take them both. We didn't really want them to get split up since they are fond of each other and use to having one another to play with. But alas, no one stepped up to the plate. So about a week ago, my husband reluctantly packed up the cats and drove them to the local "no kill" shelter. It broke our hearts to know that they would be locked in a cage until someone adopted them and would almost certainly not be placed in the same home.
While waiting at the shelter, a woman began to talk to my husband about the cats. After a few minutes of conversation, she asked if she could take both cats home! My husband, at this point rather in shock, said oh course. She offered to let him bring the cats to her house himself so he could see were they would be living and make sure everything was alright. He arrived at the house only to find out this woman lived 5 houses down from very close family friends whom he has known for almost 20 years. The house was wonderful and the cats will get much needed attention there. I am sure they will be quite happy. And so this story has a happy ending after all.
What surprised me was the response that I received from people after telling them this story. Most consisted of words such as luck, fate, destiny, etc. My husband and I responded differently. As he finished telling me over the phone what had just happened, we both exclaimed "Praise God!"
And so this brings me to the main point of my blog. Why is it that people are so quick to give credit to luck or fate or destiny. Personally I don't think there is such a thing as luck. Alright, maybe when you find yourself at the casino, but even then I'm not sure. Last time I checked, there was an all-powerful, all-knowing, all-loving God that is much greater than any amount of luck or fate that could exist. The world is so quick to blame God when things go wrong. Why does God let bad things happen, people ask. Yet these same people find good fortune in life and credit good luck or fate. Let me be the one to set the record straight. God is so good. And he is working in your life even if you turn a blind eye. In my opinion, luck is for people not willing to open their eyes to the glory of God's love and fate is for people not willing to work hard to have faith.
It wasn't luck that our cats found a good home, it was God watching over us. When I took a tough philosophy class in college and certain events happened that semester that made all our tests take home, that wasn't fate, that was God.(Thank you, thank you, thank you God!) And when I hit a chip shot onto the green and its a horrible shot, but somehow bounces off the hill and rolls into the cup, that's just God's little way of giving me quick laugh. Why? Cause God is good.....all the time. So next time something happens to you or someone you know and you find yourself ready to say "How lucky" or "It was fate", how 'bout instead saying "Praise God" or "God is so good"
Why? Simple. Because He is.

10 Minute post

2007-09-14T22:25:00.001-05:00

So, I haven't written in a while cause my life has been a bit crazy. But here I am at 10:30 at night, completely exhausted, waiting just 10 minutes longer for a Care Bears cake to cool so it will be ready for me to ice in the morning. It's for my daughters 1st birthday. And as I wait for what seems like an hour, I realize that there is only one person in the world that I would do this for, and she is sleeping peacefully in her crib. Ok, I might do it for my husband, but I'd be a little worried if he wanted a pink care bears cake! But seriously, it is now, in the midst of exhaustion, way past my bed time that I am reminded of what a beautiful gift she is to me. Those who are parents will understand. You have this child and suddenly your whole world turns upside down. And everything is expanded and made new. Your definition of love changes into something you did not know possible. Patience becomes more than just something you need when sitting in traffic, but you don't mind. You are acquainted to the night hours and try with all your might to keep your eyes open and you pray for theirs to close. But again, you don't mind. I find myself, as was the case last night, sitting in my daughter's room in the middle of the night rocking her, thinking that at any moment she will fall asleep. And I love those times. I love in the quiet of the night sky to hold my child and lift her up in prayer. I have more powerful prayer times in those hours than I do sometimes during the day. What a beautiful thing to be able to hold my child and lay her in her Father's arms, knowing that He will hold her always. I am always amazed at the thought that God entrusted one of His children to me. He trusted me to raise her in His church, His truth, His Word. And I pray every day that I will be able to live up to that responsibility. I pray that she will grow to know the love that radiates from God and the Church. I pray that she will yearn for the knowledge of her faith, ache for the truth, and desire the Eucharist and the sacrifice of the mass. And I pray that she grow up to become a saint. Kinda put some pressure on me as her earthly mother. But I know that our heavenly mother, Mary, will guide my words and my footsteps as I walk down this journey.
And with that the timer goes off and I can finally take the cake out and go to bed. But before I do, here is a thought to ponder. What I just described, the love for my daughter, my desires and prayers for her, that is only a taste, a morsel, a fraction of the love, desires, and prayers that our heavenly Father has for each of us. How blessed we all are. Alleluia!

Fear is not a four letter word

2007-08-27T11:37:00.000-05:00

So, I was driving down our street the other day and on the side of the road was a lady trying to hitch a ride with a passerby. It was rather hot and she was wearing jeans and a tank top. Her thumb reached for the sky as her face looked discouraged with each car that passed. My heart told me to stop. It was hot and she obviously needed help to get wherever it was she was headed. My heart wanted to pull the car over, swing the door open, and with a great big smile welcome her into my air conditioned car. After all, isn't that what Jesus would do?

My rational mind, on the other hand, told me to continue driving. I did not know her. I did not know her intentions. And I had my little girl in the back seat and as a mother it is my job to protect her. So, I drove past and watched as yet another look of disappointment melted across her face. I took the next few moments to lift her up in prayer, asking God to watch over her and help her arrive at her destination safely.

After I was finished praying, I began to think about the whole situation. Frustration formed in my mind because I could not help her. We live in a world today that in order to keep ourselves safe, we must at times turn our backs on those who may need us the most. And for that my heart weeps.

The next thought, or rather word, that entered my mind was fear. I did not stop because of the fear of what could happen. Fear. Such a small word can become so powerful. How many of us let fear control our lives? It may be small things, such as a fear of flying or a fear of heights. So we drive when taking vacations or stay out of tall buildings. Though there are larger fears that many people face as well, such as a fear of dying or a fear of losing someone we love, a fear of failure or a fear of rejection. These fears seem to seep under our skin and begin to take root in our veins, blocking our life flow to our soul.

For almost all my life, I have been terrified of being dead. Until a few years ago, I could not even think about anything to do with death. And so, giving way to my fear, I simply avoided such topics. Yet if I could not think about being dead, I could not think about heaven. I could not participate in that relational aspect with my God. My fear was literally blocking me from moving forward in communion with God. Today, I still struggle with my fear, but it does not control my thoughts. My longing for heaven has grown as has my relationship with my eternal God.

This is only one of many fears that at times have tightened their grip on my heart and soul. Yet over time I have learned not avoid my fears. I am afraid. There are many things in life that I am afraid of. Some big, some small. All normal. I am human. Fear comes with the territory. As long as there is an unknown, there will be fear. But I have learned that fear can actually be an opening for growth beyond my imagination. My fears force me to turn to my all-knowing God and let him lead me. Fears can be wonderful lessons. My fears call me to trust God beyond my human capabilities. I must trust that He is always with me, leading me, protecting me. That He has a plan which I may not know. They call me to let go of my human weaknesses and surrender everything that I fear to God: my failures, rejections, sorrows, relapses, etc. From my fears can come an abundance of courage. Taking steps out of my comfort zone, doing things once foreign or unimaginable to me. From my fears can arise a strength I did not know I possess. Imagine the things I can accomplish if I can set my fears aside and try.

So I thank God for my fears and for the many ways they will bring us closer together. I pray my fears continue to become a place of growth and not of burden. And I pray for that lady I saw the other day. May she know the love that her heavenly Father has for her.

Question to ponder: How do your fears enrich your life?

Welcome

2007-08-20T20:44:00.000-05:00

So, this is just a short post to say welcome to my inner existance. But seriously, you rock for checking this out. It's just a place for me to express those brilliant thoughts that travel through my head and also the crazy one's as well.
And I will leave you with something to ponder. I went fishing this morning and God gave me a huge spider web in a tree as a gift to view. It was awesome. What did He give you today?